illu-moon-ation: the full moon illuminates everything, in the sky, on the ground, in our surroundings — but also, everything in our lives, our emotions, and our bodies. Welcome to this monthly series where we illuminate all the things.
I’ve officially hit my third trimester, and a question has been hanging in my thoughts lately, the weight of it ever more present in my heart as my baby grows bigger each week: What does it mean to have agency over my life? As I feel my body asking me to slow down, I have had a chance to reflect on it, to consider how much agency I’ve given myself this pregnancy — and how different it’s been from my first. For one thing, I no longer look out, but rather, look inward. With each concern or alarm, I’ve allowed myself to be guided by nothing but my intuition and the way information feels in my body. I haven’t let any outside forces, including our medical system, influence any of my decision making. I haven’t allowed a third party to control any part of my pregnancy — and it feels fucking empowering.
I’m excited to share more about this process, once my baby is in my arms, but on this full moon, I want to explore this idea of agency with you. What does it mean to have agency over your life, your emotions, and your thoughts? We like to think we have it — a full sense of control over our lives — but the truth is there are endless ways we give up our power. Through the voices of others, external perception, the news, social media, doctors, bosses, the opinions of our favorite celebrities, the fucking algorithm. The list is endless, especially in the matrix. Not having agency in your life is simply another way of saying you feel powerless. And what makes one feel powerful — having a sense of full agency in one's life — is not only an individual answer, but an individual journey. For me, the journey to full agency (I’m still not fully there, but closer than ever) has been mix of this:
Control what you let in your mind
Feel your emotions, but don’t be consumed by them
Every thought is a belief system, so if you don’t like your thoughts, focus on changing your beliefs
Center yourself before you make a decision. Are you making this decision out of fear, from the past, or from an intuitive knowing?
Remain flexible and calm in the face of uncertainty (this is a superpower)
And I’ll be truthful, this process isn’t always easy. There are some things that have come up in my personal life the last few weeks that have challenged my thoughts, my beliefs, and my emotions. But through this daily practice I’ve listed above, truly taking the time to reflect on and consider my circumstances and intuition, I’ve been able to manage these challenges, and I’m really proud of myself. Some days it feels like mental gymnastics, but if you stay the course, you can see a monumental shift in your life, and more importantly, within yourself.
AND THANK YOU to everyone who joined the full moon circle this past Sunday! I feel so incredibly grateful to everyone who showed up, and I was so moved by everyone’s shares. I have to thank Nicole for her very sweet comment that she sent me afterward: Thank you so much for today's circle Alex! You are a fantastic facilitator and space holder. Along with many things you have a gift with this. Can't wait for the next one! I hope to see Nicole and many more of you at the next one. Sharpie your calendars for May 26th! More about May’s event next week. :)
INTERNET HUGS,
Alex
JOURNAL QUESTIONS
Where in your life do you feel powerless?
Who or what are you releasing your power to?
Can you pinpoint an external reason for this?
Is this your own voice speaking to you, or can you trace the source of your thoughts to the voices of others, the news, social media, etc.?
How can you remain flexible, without being consumed by your emotions and thoughts, especially in the face of feeling powerless?
How can you (re)claim your power, your voice, and your intuition within this situation?
List one action item you can commit to for the next moon cycle that brings you closer to your intuition. Commit to it fiercely. Daily.
THINGS I’VE CLICKED ON
T-shirt in my cart.
This song stuck in my head on repeat. Also, goals.
TW. I was truly moved by this post and the concept of neonatal hospice, and what is possible within our culture and medical system. Talk about agency.
7 questions to ask your mom before it’s too late (ones I can’t ever seem to ask myself)
I’m back to watching birthing vlogs as a full-time hobby.
I love girlhood (especially videos like this) but sometimes I wonder if our culture’s recent obsession with girlhood infantilizes women and showcases how womanhood has no official valuable role in our society. Maybe something worth writing about? Lmk in the comments!
Goop is an eye roll, I know, but Goop travel guides are truly great. If you have upcoming travel, Google “Goop travel guide” with the city you’re traveling to and it will not disappoint!
This beach chair might be the best thing I’ve purchased for my toddler.
My current nighttime snack with my tea.
YOUR WORDS, AMPLIFIED (your comments on recent posts)
“I learned more about my body and how it works from the Catholic Church than I ever did from any doctor. That statement is absurd, but it’s true. Your article explains why my statement is possible. The medical system is failing women so severely that the Catholic Church (specifically their Natural Family Planning classes) have a leg up on teaching women how their bodies work. The church’s reasons for teaching this class are not great and yet it still managed to teach me more than anything else ever did.” – Alexandra, on The Medical System Should Be Blamed For The Decline In Birth Control. Not Women.
“When my son tells me he’s bored, I counter with “Only boring people get bored” and then we laugh (bc we both know he’s far from boring) and then I remind him that it’s ok to be bored, that it’s ok to just lie on the couch and let his mind wander, that he’s giving his brain time to rest.” – Sandeep, on “I Don’t Play With My Kids”
“I worked for a nonprofit a few years back that sent physical mailers multiple times a year, and my job often involved creating or editing the mailing list for the printer.... I slowly shifted the spreadsheets so that in a relationship, the woman's name would come first, and that in a family, both spouses' last names were included. For an institution with some deep patriarchal origins, this felt like a big win (and got some handwritten responses from old ladies noting the change with secret glee). Small seeds of change!” – Shona, on Micro-Feminism: A Quiet Middle Finger To The Man
“I have so many thoughts. Wouldn’t it be amazing if these feminist billionaires started sharing their wealth in RADICAL ways? equalizing the playing field? creating limits for their re-sold tickets so that WE the working class AREN’T exploited?... It’s all so fucked. I count myself pretty privileged in my life & yet I am farrrrr from financially secure. Then there’s these billionaires making music that we use to escape from our realities - getting wealthier as the gap between us and them continues to grow wider.” – Mariah, on Beyoncé Was The Soundtrack To My Life — She Isn’t Anymore
Really interested to hear more about how your relationship with the medical system has been different this pregnancy. I'm finding that so much is coming up for me in prenatal appointments where I don't feel my agency (or humanity) is even acknowledged by some of the doctors. It definitely has me doubting whether this is the right space for me, especially with regards to birthing.
I laughed at the John and yoko thing for way too long. Always love your writing but your random links and things are a great extra spice