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Alex
Dear Alex — a friend recently confided in me that her marriage is struggling and that she's developed a romantic interest in someone else, which she hasn't pursued. She's still relatively new to motherhood, and I can tell that having a child is testing her marriage in new and big ways. I've expressed to her how much I support her and am here for her, but can't help but feel like she also needs some tough love. Her husband is dealing with chronic illness that developed around the time of the birth of their child, and I understand why she's having a tough time, but I don't feel great about encouraging her fantasies about "moving on." My partner and I have been close with this friend and her husband for nearly a decade, so I feel a sense of loyalty both to the friend and her husband, and of course to their child now too. But, I'm also not married nor am I a mother, so I don't feel like I have a super great pulse on how best to support within the nuances of the situation. Any advice?
Gratefully, Out-of-Her-Depth BFF
Dear Out-of-Her-Depth BFF,
I’ve been thinking so much about your situation. I found myself laying in bed the other night, with Kevin sleeping next to me, trying to sort through all of my thoughts on the matter. Much like this meme. One of the things no one, and I mean absolutely no one, prepared me for in adulthood is how much friendships evolve, specifically when our friends, sometimes even the ones closest to us, make decisions that don’t align with our value system — and then completely alter the chemistry of our relationship. Oh, it ain’t easy being best friends sometimes. What I’m hearing clearly in your question is that your friend is hurting. And she believes a romantic escape button will alleviate the internal mess she’s suppressing, or at the very least, aid in soothing it. Her introduction to motherhood doesn’t sound like it has been the easiest (and no one’s is), but add chronic illness to the mix? Ya, that’s a lot. That’s an insane amount of stress and trauma that can put your body (and literally your actions) into fight or flight.
So where does that leave you, bestie? The first step is to radiate radical empathy towards your friend, one without judgment. The truth is, we as friends, and especially we as women, can allow our ego to envelop our views when offering advice. But if we can remove all ego, it’s pretty clear pretty quickly that their decisions, no matter how different they might be from our own, are really none of our business. When we remove all ego, it’s a lot easier to let go of the expectations you have of what your friend’s life is supposed to look like, and even further, how she is supposed to act under difficult circumstances.
I recently told a friend that everything we as adults choose to do is either an act of self-love or an act of self-harm. And marriage and motherhood are often the perfect mediums to highlight the unresolved issues of our childhood. Your friend is going through a lot right now, as a new mother and wife, and I bet if we were to scratch beneath the surface there is a whole past being triggered, one that has nothing to do with her life now and everything to do with her life before. And right now she’s allowed to be messy. She’s allowed to “fuck up.” She’s allowed to blow up her life, if she chooses. You, as her best friend, can be there to help her pick up the pieces.
The next step? You can’t prevent your friend from cheating or expressing interest in someone else. You can, however, tell her that it probably won’t make her life any easier. You can tell her the truth. And do tell her the truth. You owe it to her as a friend. And this is arguably the hardest part of friendship. Telling the truth without judgment. I hear you when you say you can’t help but feel like she needs tough love — she does, but not in the way I think you’re imagining.