#6: why is it so hard for our parents to apologize?
and a list of things boomers do that annoy me.
 |
Hi everyone! I woke up earlier this week and felt an intensity of emotions for boomers, and I’m coming for ‘em this week. This newsletter is dedicated to things that bug me the sh*t out of me about that generation, and I have a lot to say on the matter. I chose violence.
Up first, boomers’ (specifically my parents’) inability to apologize. I used to think it was just my fucked up family, but turns out many boomer parents out there are incapable of apologizing and we need to talk about it.
And while we’re at it, let’s trash talk boomers? Cause lord knows they deserve it. All in good fun of course! Below is a list of things boomers do that annoy me. I asked a few friends their grievances with the boom gen too, so this list is composed of multiple millennials hating on boomers, only to quietly pray gen z and gen alpha are more gracious with us one day. But until then YOLO! We’re going for the jugular. ;)
IRL update + mom tingz + pics down below! Rocky is moving to a crib this week, and it’s been a big deal.
ALSO. I guess I make my own TikToks now? If you wanna give ya girl a follow, click here for mediocre content that gets 53 views a video.
ONE MORE THING. Speaking of TikTok, this video SLAPS. A prime example of why Google is never our friend. She’s a shady ass bitch. Sharing because after our LET’S TALK last week regarding watching the news, *yikes.* It’s just too much damn information. Not good for anyone. And most of it doesn't even make sense! Also, we’re not meant to take on the entire world’s trauma, in case you need a reminder.
See you next week!
ONE LOVE,
Alex
In this week’s LET’S TALK: we explored our own beauty standards, ones created by us for us, outside of what the patriarchy has set for us. Individual beauty standards > all the ways in which the patriarchy reduces beauty standards to an unattainable little box all in the name for profit.
“Motherhood, aging, and the culture of LA all feel like mirrors to me sometimes. I really have to pause and think about whether my behavior and self-talk are the examples I want to set for my daughter?”
comment by Paige, a question I think about often since having Rocky.
“My body, my choice” is a right I value *to my core*. So like many of you, I’ve been processing this horrendous news about Texas and talking about it with loved ones. Please click here to read the remainder of Erica’s post with incredible organizations listed. Support, donate, yell about this. Access to abortions is a human right. Also, October 2nd. Mark it in your calendars. I’m thinking of everyone impacted and triggered by this. <3
Why is it so hard for our parents to apologize?
A few months ago, just days after we arrived in Mexico, Kevin’s patience ran out. Traveling with a cat and a baby while juggling a demanding remote work schedule got the best of him and he lashed out. While he’s usually very patient with our daughter (and me), this particular day, he was not.
A few hours later, he knocked on our bedroom door, where I was strategically hiding to give him a breather. He gave me a big hug and explained his frustrations, apologized, and then turned his attention to our five-month-old daughter. He apologized to her too. He was sincere and genuine. As he grabbed her from my arms, he calmly explained his feelings to her, and why he lost his cool. “Sometimes adults have to deal with not so fun things,” he said. “And I don’t want to bore you with the details, but it’s not always easy being in charge.” He looked at her intently, and continued, “Anyways, I’m really sorry sweet girl. You’re my best friend and I love you, and I’m sorry for losing my cool.”
For days, I couldn’t stop thinking about this very sweet moment. I was struck by his need to apologize to her—especially considering most people wouldn’t ever consider apologizing to a baby. And yet here was my husband, a new father, apologizing to his infant daughter. I knew in that moment that this would be a common thing between them. If he “fucked up,” he would always find the language to explain himself and apologize. Without hesitation, without ego, without shame.
For a brief moment, my husband’s apology made me angry thinking about the apologies I never received from my parents. And I couldn’t stop thinking about how much my relationship with them would be different had they had the ability to calmly apologize. Hell, if I’m being honest, I think I’d be an *entirely* different person if they did. The mere thought of my parents apologizing for anything is a mindfuck and a half.
My relationship with my parents is like most from divorced households, or at least that’s what I’ve concluded after years of venting to friends who are also divorced-parent children. Divorced parents seemingly take zero accountability, and their children are left to pick up the pieces created in the aftermath. Even outside of divorced households, it seems within parent and child dynamics, especially with the boomer generation, gaslighting is almost the norm, or at least, it was a common occurrence for me. It seems that when we try to indicate that we’ve been hurt by them, or god forbid mention a past experience with lingering residual trauma, it’s met with resistance and most of all, complete and utter denial.
My father and I had a very different relationship in adulthood than I was able to have with my mother. I credit that to the fact that my dad was able to admit to certain wrongdoings. He never overtly apologized, but he found casual ways of saying things like, “I wasn’t a very good listener” or “I didn’t have a lot of patience with you” or “I should have done that differently.” Those words, a far cry from an actual genuine apology, were enough for me to see beyond his faults and build a healthy relationship with him. But my mother, well...it’s gotten ugly. She has an inability to acknowledge my lived experiences. And I’ve read endless comments on videos of adult children sharing being recipients of what feels like a universally shared sentence, words I promise I’ll never say to Rocky or any of my future children:“Well, I guess I’m just the worst mother then.” Sidenote: My mother pretended the other day like I didn’t grow up in a household of yelling, and I audibly gasped. The notion was both laughable and infuriating, and was completely removed from any reality of time and space.
I’m glad to say my mother and I are in a good spot right now. We are healing after decades of an unstable and chaotic relationship. And while we haven’t necessarily confronted our past, for the moment, that’s a good thing. Since becoming a mother myself, I have a lot more empathy for mothers, specifically mothers from the boomer generation, and especially for my mother. The patriarchy did those mothers wrong, and it directly impacts their inability to apologize (or at least that’s how I’ve been feeling about my mom lately). She’s experienced far too much trauma, within her family and society, to admit she’s passed any down to me.
“It seems that when we try to indicate that we’ve been hurt by our parents, or god forbid mention a past experience with lingering residual trauma, it’s met with resistance and most of all, complete and utter denial.”
And I’d be remiss to not concede some empathy for my parents, for all parents, in that we're all just adults with unhealed childhood wounds. Realizing my parents were at one point also just innocent children, who were both beaten down by their own parents (physically and emotionally), was a huge step towards being able to see them as hurt people versus just my parents. We’re all likely trying to do the best we can, and we need to give ourselves permission to move through the trauma, and to accept the faults it’s caused. Because the more we can try to forgive ourselves, to move through towards healing, the more we can shield our children from that passed down trauma. In healing, we don’t need to gaslight. In admitting, in apologizing, parents can connect with their children in a much more real and genuine way.
And so now, in this new space as a new mother, I’ve gotten to a place where I am healing without needing apologies, from my parents or anyone else for that matter. But it’s a hard journey, *really hard.* Especially, when the other side denies your lived experience. But nonetheless, it’s important we have these conversations, and that we consider apologizing.
“Being able to apologize is a love language. And doing so isn’t an admission of failure, but an acknowledgement of being human.”
Because being able to apologize is a love language. And doing so isn’t an admission of failure, but an acknowledgement of being human. The biggest gift a parent can give their child is to showcase their humanity. We all make mistakes, and acknowledging, and dare I say celebrating, mistakes allows us to move beyond regret, guilt, and shame. It allows us to heal, together, instead of on opposing sides.
I’m committed to not shoving things under the rug like my parents consistently did with me. I want to show my daughter that pride and ego have no room in relationships, with her parents, with her loved ones, with no one. Above all else, I want to be a parent and mother that shows a constant example of what it means to be human. And I won’t always get it right, and that’s the point! I won’t deny any of her realities, her feelings, her lived experiences, whatever they might be in the future. Saying “I’m sorry” is just as important as saying “I love you,” and both sentences will be used in our household. Even though they weren’t in ours growing up.
LET’S TALK: do you ever feel like you’re being gaslit by your own family? or do your parents acknowledge your lived experiences, no matter what they may be? have they ever apologized? what have those conversations looked like?
I can’t unsee this.
A list of annoying things boomers do:
EXTRA large font on text. Bro, just get better glasses.
The *actual* belief that they are a superior generation because they’re “hard workers” while somehow thinking millennials are lazy.
Going to the airport 400 hours early. (I am still recovering from this as an adult.)
Inability to use an iphone or any map app. Don’t get me started on *the World Wide Web*.
Using their kids’ achievements as SOCIAL STANDING amongst their friends.
FACEBOOK. I can’t and don’t need to say anything further.
The inability to not project every single fear that’s ever crossed their mind onto you.
The belief that they’re better than going to therapy.
The belief that it’s EVERYONE’s fault but their own.
Asking dumb questions. I don’t need to explain this.
THE DENIAL OF EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING.
Never taking any responsibility. Same thing, but it needs to be said again.
Not knowing their kids’ friends' names. IT’S NOT THAT HARD. We all have like two friends.
Their inability to see rap as art and explicit content as music.
Thinking video games are going to make us all axe murderers.
Sweeping everything under the rug.
ZERO context, ever. About anything.
Calling Covid “THE COVID.”
Offended by people being offended with their offensive jokes, but not laughing at “OK BOOMER.”
Comment down below if you can think of more annoying things (the list is really endless, right?). Safe to say, I think we’re all here for it. Here’s some more boomer twitter hate, because why the hell not. We need all the laughs we can muster this week.
IRL UPDATE
Our new house has a rocking chair, a desk, and a mattress. It’s been pretty bare bones over here but luckily our new furniture is starting to arrive! And I’ve been thrifting my life away and can’t believe all of the amazing scores I’ve found. Besides trying to turn this new house into a home, I’ve been going down a health / food / supplement / water rabbit hole. I have immense anxiety about water and the future wars it will inevitably cause. “The type of water you drink is more important than the food you eat” is a statement I read the other day and it only fueled my existing worry. Kevin thinks I’m becoming a pessimist. Some days I think he’s right. Most days I pray I’m wrong. Besides water, health is quite the mindfuck. You think you finally have an understanding of what optimal health is, and then you find out more stuff that debunks the last 20 things you read in one single statement (another reason to avoid Google 🤦🏻♀️). So with *every* cellular part of my being, I feel this comment on a soul level:
MOM TINGZ: from bed-sharing to a big girl crib
I swear I have PTSD from the IG bed-sharing mom-shamers because I actually considered not sharing this. And then I reminded myself that this is my own space, one specifically free of judgement, and it felt so liberating knowing I could freely talk about what I’m doing and figuring out as a new mom. So insert the most controversial mom topic ever: BEDSHARING. Lol.
Rocky has slept in our bed since the very beginning, but around the six month mark, both Kevin and I started feeling ready for her to move into her own space. And now that she’s 7.5 months, it’s TIME. Her crib-sized mattress arrived yesterday and it almost made me tear up. Again, I’m *so* ready for this (mama needs her damn sleep), but it’s going by so insanely quickly. Especially since she turned 7 months; every day it feels like she’s learning something new. She’s sitting, she’s crawling all over the place. She’s even figured out stairs. All in the matter of a week. And now she’s a big girl about to sleep in her big girl bed. Tears. And immense joy. Ugh. Motherhood. It’s so emotionally confusing.
Here are some of our sleeping shares: Our plan was to dive right into a montessori bed set up (so basically no crib), but last minute I decided that I need her physically caged in somewhere for the time being. And then when she turns one, or somewhere around there, we’ll move her to an actual big bed. If you’re interested in the Montessori sleeping method, I love all of Shayla’s videos. Rocky’s crib will still be in our room for now and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. We have the Ikea crib (hello 75 bucks!), mattress is from here, and when I was pregnant I bought linen sheets from here.
Boomers! A subject near and dear to my heart. I actually had great relationships with my boomer parents before they both got rare illnesses (one died and one is dying and not with-it). Losing them has given me a lot to reflect on as I watch the rest of their generation devolve into what I feel is a collective dementia. First off I do think this is a collective phenomenon and I think it’s from a combination of factors. They grew up in relatively peaceful and prosperous times and didn’t experience the horror of war or the economic hardship of say, a global financial collapse. They basically grew up feeling like the world was just there for the taking and that’s basically how they act. I blame them for selling our culture out to capitalism. I think as a collective they are more narcissistic than generations before or after, probably because their parents were all scarred by war and maybe not emotionally available to them so they got stuck in the omnipotent stage of psychosocial development (some armchair psychoanalysis over here). But I also have a theory that they were children with sensitive developing brains before the advent of unleaded gas, so there was more lead in the air when they were kids - I think it could explain their impulsivity and why so many more of them are developing cognitive impairment as they age (compared with previous generations). My husband and I call this “the lead brain hypothesis” and I’d love to hear what people think. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just mad at boomers because I lost my own parents but it sounds like I’m not the only one and people who still have their parents feel this way too! Whew.
The denial, the straight up not apologizing, ‘THE COVID’ 😂 I thought my mom literally had a personality disorder but turns out she’s just a boomer. My family thought I “needed counseling” because my father was in and out of the picture and mixed up in drugs, but honestly, daily I wonder if I should look into therapy to recover from the relationship with my mother. From mental and physical abuse inflicted on me as a result of her own stress from life’s events that I would never understand as a child, to straight up denying it all as I became a responsible adult “thanks to her.” My favorite is when she tells me I’m such a great mother because of her example *holds back vomit* I love my mother deeply, I’m her only child and she’s my only parent. BUT MAN. I’ve learned hardcore what it means to set boundaries.
That story with Kevin apologizing is the sweetest and SO important to show our children that we’re not always perfect and apologizing is normal. Homeschooling our 8 year old along with caring for a baby and 2 dogs can take its toll on my mental sanity and whenever I lose my patience, I let my daughter know “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed/frustrated today and it’s not your fault, I just need a minute to make a to-do list, ok?” And apologize if I raise my voice or say something too snappy. It has helped our relationship tremendously and helped her relay her feelings, as well. Because let me tell you, 8 year olds are like pre-pre-teens 🙃
Btw, Rocky is getting SO BIG. What the heck. Where is time going. I reeeeally love the 6 to 12 month age. The crawling, the climbing, the personality 🥺 my little boy will be 11 months in a couple days and can’t believe I’m planning his little first birthday.
P.s. trying to find out which water is the healthiest via google is the real mindfuck 🤣 we used to have Sparkletts deliver spring water to us and then came across this cool spiritual lady who locally owned a water business and said how spring water “isn’t really from a spring” and how her water is the best because it has like 800 minerals. So we went with that, now I feel like it’s not that great? Can we have too many minerals? I’m scared to google it, lol. So now we’re looking into Alive Water after seeing it on @honest.rituals studio. We have dubbed ourselves unofficial water connoisseurs 🤪