When I was 26ish I asked my facialist about Botox since all my friends were getting it - she said that it’s a way for derms to get more $$ from people by framing it as preventative.
Then she told me she never wanted to get it bc her dad died recently and her laugh and frown lines were just like her dads and she didn’t want to erase those.
Now I’m 33 with my own daughter - as we both age, I want her to see my and her dads face in hers. To savor that similarity, and to remind her that aging is a privilege, not something to be erased.
Feb 27·edited Feb 27Liked by Alexandra D'amour, Maggie Trela
I love this topic. I got Botox a few times a decade ago and won’t ever again. My old nanny that raised me suggested I do it.. wtf.. and I remember going to a dr office 4 years ago for a car accident and the drop in doc said I should get Botox. I’m 40 next month and not aging gracefully = having a wild toddler aged me and I have 11’s and lots of forehead wrinkles. While I’m not going to do anything toxic or wear heavy makeup, I do feel old. Hello stress and crappy sleep. I hope I’m modelling natural beauty for all the little kiddos. Love the convo and feel terrible for all the young girls out there.
This. Thank you for writing this piece. I talk with my husband all the time about how women are never ‘enough’ always working to ‘improve’ and ‘tweak’ and having had a daughter recently am so conscious of this messaging.
Thank you so much for writing this (and congrats on NYT!!). I found your NYT essay via Casey's After School substack and your writing resonated so much with me. I'm 32 and last year it finally hit me that people all around me (friends and people in my real life! not just people I see on TikTok) were doing botox and getting fillers. It surprised me in a way that honestly made me feel a bit naive. My mom has never touched her face (her "thing" is she dies her hair blonde, which I love for her) and I always thought I would age naturally. I spend probably way too much money on my skincare routine, but I'm also determined to not mess with my face. It's mine. And that feels like something worth fighting for.
I recently moved to LA from SF, and it truly feels like everyone around me is doing *something* to their face. It feels strange to stand out because I'm not doing that, and yet also makes me even more determined to double down on my stance.
First of all: so glad you are back, and so glad to hear you are doing well.
Your writing is so soothing. Always. I love to read your pieces.
Have you read Women Who Run With the Wolves of Clarissa Pinkola Estes? I assume you do. It really feels to me that the cycle you went trough (i think you talked about it in a previous article a couple days ago) with PPD and not knowing where to take OOM is like the classic cycle of life/death/life that Clarissa always talks about.
That said, about aging, I am 35 and i havent touched botox (yet). I do feel i am also becoming more and more an exception (I am from Belgium and live in Antwerp). For now i still accept how i look. (Sidenote: I have not given birth yet and it also seems to me that giving birth ages women's faces, it this real or not? So maybe i will talk differently after having given birth?)
I have a 5 step skin care routine morning and evening though. Which seems long enough. I never skip it. But, as you said, being around the same age as you: i was raised in diet culture and to this day i can feel worse when i think about 'the fat' that is or isnt on my body, than the wrinkles.
To me it really feels like aging is a privilege that not everyone in this world has access too..
Dont know if anybody can relate? I love to see a grey hair growing. With the grey hair I also am reminded of the wisdom i gathered compered to when i was 20 y/o.
I color my hair, not to hide the grey hairs, but i just do some highlights to make it a bit lighter and more 'surf-y'. My hairdresser asked me is she needed to color the grey hairs specificially at the top of my head. I said 'no, i like them, dont color them specifically if its not needed'.
She said I was the first person ever to say this to her. I felt weird. :)
I love myself more at 35 than at 20 or at 15. Inside. You know what i mean? I just feel more confident because of the wisdom. To me it feels that i wouldnt want to trade the wisdom for the youthfulness. But i am still very very young of course. (i also wasnt the happiest kiddo in high school, so i really have the feeling life just gets better for me while i am aging).
But again, probably to me 'fat' is what 'aging is for others ;)
Congrats on the NY Times article! I feel a bit out of it re: this topic, not that I'm not in this demographic, I have two teenaged daughters and many of my friends get botoxed and have been for 15+ years. I have shied away from getting it for a few reasons. 1. price, it felt like a lot to spend back when it first came out. 2. I have a fear that I would be the one who got a botch job and that it would be embarrassing! 3. I just did not have the energy to do it. I just turned 53 and feel like a bit of an oddball. I see my friends morphing into these altered versions of themselves and that's just not my bag. I have cycled through judgements around it, realizing that those judgements were really about me and my fear of being accepted. So, I wonder, will I be left behind and look old next to my friends? Maybe. I'm also leaning into following my own authority - finding acceptance for my choices, my wrinkles, etc. from within. I hope to age gracefully - and that goes way beyond botox. I do color my hair though - that's part of the grace for me!
I remember talking about a version of this subject three years ago to my (then) coach when I was pregnant. I started wondering about beauty standards and body image and how would I be able to set a better example for my daughter than I had from my mother. I was worried about my daughter watching me wear make up everyday and think that she needed to do the same. I started wearing make up when I was 11 years old from watching my older sisters and never stopped since. I would hate for my daughter to think that she needs to cover her face with creams and make up to feel worthy, like I do.
After moving to a remote off grid island and noticing how most women here don't care too much about their hair or make up, I have started to wear it less and care less but of course as soon as I go to the city I feel the need to do my make up. No excuses! I remember another mom and woman here on the island looking at me with clearly no make up and fresh face and her saying, "you look beautiful". I honestly didn't believe her, I kind of still don't. I thought she was trying to make a statement because she is way more alternative than I am. Isn't that a little sad? And Yet I clearly remember seeing some of my friends without make up and thinking how beautiful they look too.
After many comments i really did not like, I also decided to speak up and tell my MIL to stop talking about weight and looks in front of my daughter, a topic she seemed to bring up all the time. She particularly loved to tell me how small she was when she was pregnant, when obviously I was not. I realized with her and while working with a senior woman who complained about her weight to me one time, how the internal battle about or weight and looks will not go away. Even when we are in our senior years! It seems crazy to me that these women still worry and ponder about their weight and looks even after decades on this earth. I thought it was just me, turns out is most every girl and woman from age 12 to even 70+ and the body shame doesn't go away just because you are older.
Now with the rise of serum moms and anti aging culture, I cant imagine what our 3 year old daughters will have to put up with 10, 15 years from now. I am so glad you are opening this conversation and placing some responsibility in us, the mothers and really all women in general. I felt this responsibility deeply as soon as it dawned on me that I would be my daughter's biggest example.
We, the mothers, truly are the seed of everything.
One of my goals for 30, and my Saturn return, is to bring more fire and joy into my life. Particularly those joy lines at the corner of our eyes that curl up. I definitely feel like I’m one of my only friends in my early 30s who see wrinkles or anti-aging or lines in this perspective.
I wish more women looked at this topic through the lens of traditional Chinese medicine or eastern metaphysics. The art of facial reading and facial mapping is so beautiful, poetic and informative. I’ve been leaning on that as my face changes with age and experience raising a daughter, especially a toddler. If anyone is interested in learning more, LANSHIN and YINA CO are beautiful companies educating and showing women how to do this!
Alex, I loved this article and have been thinking about this subject since. I’m 23 and in the thick of figuring out who I am and want to be. And while, thankfully, I’m not surrounded by friends and peers who partake in/promote the anti-aging, Instagram face culture, I’m finding that social media really messes with my head. Lately it seems to cloud my thoughts with a lot of doubts about how I should look especially, and I feel so far behind everyone else. I’ve been needing more clarity, and this article was great food for thought.
I've been thinking about age a lot in relation to work, trust, and money. At 27, I'm only just starting to age into "grown up" jobs — positions I've been qualified for for half a decade that have balked when I tell them my age (don't get me started on the end of entry-level). But now I look towards the future and notice that the women with 20, 30 years of experience look not much older than I do... it's as if I've hit the point where my face should begin to freeze in time. I only finally look old enough to entrust with responsibility, but any older and I'll be, what, too old? Too tired? And not to mention my fertility window is coming into focus so I'd better decide how to both have kids and make the most of my career all in the same "beauty" years... ah!
When I was 26ish I asked my facialist about Botox since all my friends were getting it - she said that it’s a way for derms to get more $$ from people by framing it as preventative.
Then she told me she never wanted to get it bc her dad died recently and her laugh and frown lines were just like her dads and she didn’t want to erase those.
Now I’m 33 with my own daughter - as we both age, I want her to see my and her dads face in hers. To savor that similarity, and to remind her that aging is a privilege, not something to be erased.
I love this topic. I got Botox a few times a decade ago and won’t ever again. My old nanny that raised me suggested I do it.. wtf.. and I remember going to a dr office 4 years ago for a car accident and the drop in doc said I should get Botox. I’m 40 next month and not aging gracefully = having a wild toddler aged me and I have 11’s and lots of forehead wrinkles. While I’m not going to do anything toxic or wear heavy makeup, I do feel old. Hello stress and crappy sleep. I hope I’m modelling natural beauty for all the little kiddos. Love the convo and feel terrible for all the young girls out there.
This. Thank you for writing this piece. I talk with my husband all the time about how women are never ‘enough’ always working to ‘improve’ and ‘tweak’ and having had a daughter recently am so conscious of this messaging.
Thank you so much for writing this (and congrats on NYT!!). I found your NYT essay via Casey's After School substack and your writing resonated so much with me. I'm 32 and last year it finally hit me that people all around me (friends and people in my real life! not just people I see on TikTok) were doing botox and getting fillers. It surprised me in a way that honestly made me feel a bit naive. My mom has never touched her face (her "thing" is she dies her hair blonde, which I love for her) and I always thought I would age naturally. I spend probably way too much money on my skincare routine, but I'm also determined to not mess with my face. It's mine. And that feels like something worth fighting for.
I recently moved to LA from SF, and it truly feels like everyone around me is doing *something* to their face. It feels strange to stand out because I'm not doing that, and yet also makes me even more determined to double down on my stance.
First of all: so glad you are back, and so glad to hear you are doing well.
Your writing is so soothing. Always. I love to read your pieces.
Have you read Women Who Run With the Wolves of Clarissa Pinkola Estes? I assume you do. It really feels to me that the cycle you went trough (i think you talked about it in a previous article a couple days ago) with PPD and not knowing where to take OOM is like the classic cycle of life/death/life that Clarissa always talks about.
That said, about aging, I am 35 and i havent touched botox (yet). I do feel i am also becoming more and more an exception (I am from Belgium and live in Antwerp). For now i still accept how i look. (Sidenote: I have not given birth yet and it also seems to me that giving birth ages women's faces, it this real or not? So maybe i will talk differently after having given birth?)
I have a 5 step skin care routine morning and evening though. Which seems long enough. I never skip it. But, as you said, being around the same age as you: i was raised in diet culture and to this day i can feel worse when i think about 'the fat' that is or isnt on my body, than the wrinkles.
To me it really feels like aging is a privilege that not everyone in this world has access too..
Dont know if anybody can relate? I love to see a grey hair growing. With the grey hair I also am reminded of the wisdom i gathered compered to when i was 20 y/o.
I color my hair, not to hide the grey hairs, but i just do some highlights to make it a bit lighter and more 'surf-y'. My hairdresser asked me is she needed to color the grey hairs specificially at the top of my head. I said 'no, i like them, dont color them specifically if its not needed'.
She said I was the first person ever to say this to her. I felt weird. :)
I love myself more at 35 than at 20 or at 15. Inside. You know what i mean? I just feel more confident because of the wisdom. To me it feels that i wouldnt want to trade the wisdom for the youthfulness. But i am still very very young of course. (i also wasnt the happiest kiddo in high school, so i really have the feeling life just gets better for me while i am aging).
But again, probably to me 'fat' is what 'aging is for others ;)
Congrats on the NY Times article! I feel a bit out of it re: this topic, not that I'm not in this demographic, I have two teenaged daughters and many of my friends get botoxed and have been for 15+ years. I have shied away from getting it for a few reasons. 1. price, it felt like a lot to spend back when it first came out. 2. I have a fear that I would be the one who got a botch job and that it would be embarrassing! 3. I just did not have the energy to do it. I just turned 53 and feel like a bit of an oddball. I see my friends morphing into these altered versions of themselves and that's just not my bag. I have cycled through judgements around it, realizing that those judgements were really about me and my fear of being accepted. So, I wonder, will I be left behind and look old next to my friends? Maybe. I'm also leaning into following my own authority - finding acceptance for my choices, my wrinkles, etc. from within. I hope to age gracefully - and that goes way beyond botox. I do color my hair though - that's part of the grace for me!
I remember talking about a version of this subject three years ago to my (then) coach when I was pregnant. I started wondering about beauty standards and body image and how would I be able to set a better example for my daughter than I had from my mother. I was worried about my daughter watching me wear make up everyday and think that she needed to do the same. I started wearing make up when I was 11 years old from watching my older sisters and never stopped since. I would hate for my daughter to think that she needs to cover her face with creams and make up to feel worthy, like I do.
After moving to a remote off grid island and noticing how most women here don't care too much about their hair or make up, I have started to wear it less and care less but of course as soon as I go to the city I feel the need to do my make up. No excuses! I remember another mom and woman here on the island looking at me with clearly no make up and fresh face and her saying, "you look beautiful". I honestly didn't believe her, I kind of still don't. I thought she was trying to make a statement because she is way more alternative than I am. Isn't that a little sad? And Yet I clearly remember seeing some of my friends without make up and thinking how beautiful they look too.
After many comments i really did not like, I also decided to speak up and tell my MIL to stop talking about weight and looks in front of my daughter, a topic she seemed to bring up all the time. She particularly loved to tell me how small she was when she was pregnant, when obviously I was not. I realized with her and while working with a senior woman who complained about her weight to me one time, how the internal battle about or weight and looks will not go away. Even when we are in our senior years! It seems crazy to me that these women still worry and ponder about their weight and looks even after decades on this earth. I thought it was just me, turns out is most every girl and woman from age 12 to even 70+ and the body shame doesn't go away just because you are older.
Now with the rise of serum moms and anti aging culture, I cant imagine what our 3 year old daughters will have to put up with 10, 15 years from now. I am so glad you are opening this conversation and placing some responsibility in us, the mothers and really all women in general. I felt this responsibility deeply as soon as it dawned on me that I would be my daughter's biggest example.
We, the mothers, truly are the seed of everything.
One of my goals for 30, and my Saturn return, is to bring more fire and joy into my life. Particularly those joy lines at the corner of our eyes that curl up. I definitely feel like I’m one of my only friends in my early 30s who see wrinkles or anti-aging or lines in this perspective.
I wish more women looked at this topic through the lens of traditional Chinese medicine or eastern metaphysics. The art of facial reading and facial mapping is so beautiful, poetic and informative. I’ve been leaning on that as my face changes with age and experience raising a daughter, especially a toddler. If anyone is interested in learning more, LANSHIN and YINA CO are beautiful companies educating and showing women how to do this!
Alex, I loved this article and have been thinking about this subject since. I’m 23 and in the thick of figuring out who I am and want to be. And while, thankfully, I’m not surrounded by friends and peers who partake in/promote the anti-aging, Instagram face culture, I’m finding that social media really messes with my head. Lately it seems to cloud my thoughts with a lot of doubts about how I should look especially, and I feel so far behind everyone else. I’ve been needing more clarity, and this article was great food for thought.
I've been thinking about age a lot in relation to work, trust, and money. At 27, I'm only just starting to age into "grown up" jobs — positions I've been qualified for for half a decade that have balked when I tell them my age (don't get me started on the end of entry-level). But now I look towards the future and notice that the women with 20, 30 years of experience look not much older than I do... it's as if I've hit the point where my face should begin to freeze in time. I only finally look old enough to entrust with responsibility, but any older and I'll be, what, too old? Too tired? And not to mention my fertility window is coming into focus so I'd better decide how to both have kids and make the most of my career all in the same "beauty" years... ah!